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today is tomorrow's yesterday

yes i said it, but how else
does it go?
anyway to distract from surgical devices, removed from
a sterile white space and meant to extract
by insertion 
learning everyday and each is one less
the cleanliness of organized education
soon, too, gets plumetted into the bloody world

it has been 38 weeks

and i have thought and thought
and it is time to write
and think some more.

wine in my hand and conclusions in my heart.
i guess that is how it goes.

my mom has a progressive, incurable disease
passed down through genes 
passed down to me

i don't much want to talk about it
generally, again,
i guess that is how it goes.

she said you have to leave 
but you have to go alone
you cling to any kind face when you know no one
and it's true
but then am i running away
or to something

i wish i could just stop running.
this idea of standing still and just taking it in
i guess that's the most terrifying part

stopping

lately
i am painting and reading
engineering and seeing things differently
realizing i should have gone to school for something else
or probably twenty something else's
always with the "what if"s

also, 
sculpting, mostly with clay
inspired by richard shaw 
very inspired to know someone who knows someone
and we all know this story

i have no journal these days
thoughts have no where to go
and i thought it productive letting them linger
really it's just provocative

inspired by words lately
such as altruism
prolific 
syllogism
and sure

sure is great because it implies acceptance 
and conveys still some curiousness and skepticism, 
skepticism being one of my favorite attributes


i wonder when being social became so hard
i miss it 
and you
i dream of you most nights
and wake up trying to forget

explanation after explanation
and really i can't tell which of the two of us is crazier

i settle on it being you
because i know you think about me just as often
yet you made it look easier to forget me
evidence

call it as it is
homonculus concepts
would make it easier to accept

i'm not embarrassed to say that i wish 
not to make it better now
but like it was when we were sixteen.

you gotta bounce
. scared to love that deeply again
, i was glad to have lost you
; it means that once, i had you in my life

thousands of miles away
, and part of me still loves you
. embeddings in my brains
, whisper your name every now and again

synapses fill with neurotransmitters
, not long-term, but life-term
. you are a physical part of me
, missing

no one has ever replaced you
, or will
. they meant what they did
, each meaning semantically variant
, none synonymous with
... us

the total
, greater than the sum of all the parts
; isn't this always the case in love
, in life?

each new meaning
, each new placement
, permanently infiltrated or not
, resides next to and not on top of
, your physiological place in my brain's anatomical structure.

constantly on my mind
, and i realized i meant that literally.

Love love love love love love

You were everything I wanted
You were everything a girl could be
Then you left me brokenhearted
Now you don't mean a thing to me

All I wanted was your
Love love love love love love

Hate is a strong word
But I really, really, really don't like you
Now that it's over
I don't even know what I liked about you
Brought you around and you just brought me down
Hate is a strong word
But I really, really, really don't like you
I really don't like you

Thought that everything was perfect (perfect)
Isn't that how it's supposed to be?
Thought you thought that I was worth it
Now I think a little differently

All I wanted was your
Love love love love love love

Hate is a strong word
But I really, really, really don't like you (I really don't like you)
Now that it's over
I don't even know what I liked about you (liked about you)
Brought you around and you just brought me down
Hate is a strong word
But I really, really, really don't like you
I really don't like you

Now that it's over you can't hurt me
Now that it's over you can't bring me down

Apr. 19th, 2007

i asked for you to respect that we should not talk anymore.
you didn't.

i threatened and have executed email blocks, myspace blocks, livejournal blocks, and phone changes have been underway.

you should have shut up and listened...
listened and shut up.

none of what you did, or are continuing to do is ok.

< / > end rant.

i shaved my head last night.
yes, pictures coming soon.

it's a number 1. bald ass bitch.

still new and weird. and maybe empowering.

currently: cold.

i never stopped saying word.

life

is taking a break so i can update my journal.
i am officially without a job. but i have rent and my car payment managed through this month.
(excluding other expenses, although i did receive a grovery gift card- rock!)
i'm applying like crazy to all sorts of places.

i think i might have obtained a super part time personal assistant position. i'd be good at that. it'd even be fun.

applied (against my poor soul) to starbucks, peets, and the gap.
could you see me at the gap?
that makes me laugh... oh man.

i guess i can't bartend with jordan anymore? or something? people shouldn't lie.
i don't really believe in carma, but in these cases, i wish i did.

i also believe that america is all about "not enough"...
never being satisfied. maybe it's humankind in general, but america is all i know. i won't overgeneralize, for the moment.
i am torn between believing this is good, because it drives towards progress, toward... growth,
and believing it is really, really self-deprecating.
you will never be happy if you have demands you will never meet. and if what you demand is to always strive for more more more, you will never, ever, ever be content.

i don't want everything.
i just want to be happy.
so i am trying to avoid "enough" and to focus on being grateful.

without a job, there are still a lot of things i have.
i have great, great, great friends.
i have enough money to live comfortably. (i even have my own savings now, which is miniscule, but again "enough" and it is there, and MINE.)
i have a mom, who is friend. my mom is my friend. read: huge.
i have music, which restructures my brain, and sometimes even provides the map.

speaking of maps, what if one had the ability to draw them, and in the process of drawing them, thus created a landscape as such? what if this is how the world was formed. (it wasn't. but...what if?) i love maps.

back to what i have.
amazing roommates that i can never wait to come home.
a pretty girl to go out on dates with, exercise with, and absorb sun with. and kiss. 
i think about kissing sometimes. it's really weird to me, despite it being amazing. two mouths, spit swapped, somehow indirectly linking genitals without them ever touching. sometimes providing more sensation than when they actually do touch. are we the only species that kisses? why do we kiss? who were the first kissers? i guess i could research it, but i like just thinking about things sometimes.

it's a beautiful day outside.
i am inside, but i am by an open window.
and i am at my school, where i feel like i "belong" more than i have ever felt anywhere else. i feel at peace, and happy, and sunny. as if sunny is a feeling.

it is to me.

so, things are crazy.
and sometimes i get really sad thinking about all the things.
but not right now. right now, i am content, working toward achieving more, and not because i am not satisfied, but just because it is what i want to do.
that...is a pretty good feeling.
kelly and monster live with me now.
i had a super productive day.
ran around lake merritt (like 3 miles) and then got a smoothie.
then, i went to my school and filled out 9 applications.
there are several jobs i really want.

i am crossing all my little chubby fingers.

had coffee with kelly and monster and danyell to talk about house plans.
where is joelle? bitch needs to come homeee.


my life is kind of crazy.
i wish it would just piece itself together...
jobs, school, house, friends, my self. 

my little head.
oy vey.

what really sucks

is meeting/connecting with someone really cool,
and having things feel -unspokenly- sour all of a sudden
with no explanation or concrete evidence.

what sucks even more is this is my pattern lately.

meet cool people, connect with them.
the people i'm interested in (i don't even mean partnerships, just relationships in general including friendships, etc.)
either quickly become uninteresting to me
or i push them away somehow.

i'm always either too much or too little lately.

that's what it seems.

you'd think that since i basically live by the saying "all we have are our love and our guts" i would be gutsy enough to not be so scared of anything love-like. but, frankly, that's becoming a big fear. becoming? who am i kidding.

it always has been.

"perseveration" doesn't feel quite right, but it's pretty close.

the good news:

i have $420 saved up for nyc.

here i come, bitches.

if anyone has any job connections...

i could use them now.
has to be flexible around school schedules.

i have good references.
of course...